The other day someone, a person I'm acquainted with, who, according to social protocol, I should feel more comfortable around but don't, asked me what my dreams in life are.
I was a little startled at first because I haven't been asked that question in...well, since I was 6? Maybe 10, if I was pushing it. I have been asked what I want to become or where I think I'm heading or what I want to achieve but those are questions that are easier to answer. When someone demands you to spill out your dreams, they're either trying to corner you into some vulnerable spot of yours which they can then feel triumphant about or, conversely, they mean business.
Is it more worrying to realize that this question is really a test you must pass in order to fit into some position in the order of the world? Or for it to hit you that people truly care to know what you imagine and desire? Which would be the scarier of the two - to belong or to be understood?
So when I was asked this question a few days ago, I didn't quite have the time to mull the response in my head and plan it perfectly before replying but I did immediately freeze and wonder the true intent of this question. It was odd timing and there was a certain urgency in the person's tone that took me by surprise. If there was a quiet interested edge to the tone I would have perhaps relaxed my shoulders and opened up a little bit but there wasn't and I was reduced to a stammer and a quick attempt at salvaging myself from appearing either like a boring person who has no dreams or a naive child who knows nothing about reality.
I hate having to feel awkward or too concerned about appearances. I feel forced to do that around most people and society because I really don't feel comfortable with being too honest with everyone. The problem with this is that at the core of it all, I'm a really honest person so the constant push and pull makes the whole situation frustrating in a dramatic sort of way.
But if I were to be absolutely honest, as I would be around someone I connected with at multiple layers of our existence, I think I would still be forced to contemplate and stammer out a shoddy answer not because I'm scared to be honest but rather because I don't really know how to summarize my answer in a way that seems legible to someone else. Because the truth is that I have both beautiful larger-than-life dreams as well as an inclination these days to take each day as it comes. Literally, breathe each moment in the most full way I know because I'm realizing that the momentum required to allow one moment to smoothly flow into another is something that I must find, create, harness by myself rather than believe that it exists solely within the moments themselves. But I myself sometimes feel like such a volatile substance that finding the momentum all the time, every time is like a hit-and-miss sort of situation. So the most honest, most grounded, most real 'dream' I then have is to hope to make it through this moment on to the next and feel happy while doing all of that. The larger-than-life dreams operate too in some portion of my head but in the face of the small happy getting-by that I'm inclined to engage myself in now, they take a partial backseat.
The point though is that they exist together.
And this is why honesty is a slippery thing even with those who truly care about your heart.
I was a little startled at first because I haven't been asked that question in...well, since I was 6? Maybe 10, if I was pushing it. I have been asked what I want to become or where I think I'm heading or what I want to achieve but those are questions that are easier to answer. When someone demands you to spill out your dreams, they're either trying to corner you into some vulnerable spot of yours which they can then feel triumphant about or, conversely, they mean business.
Is it more worrying to realize that this question is really a test you must pass in order to fit into some position in the order of the world? Or for it to hit you that people truly care to know what you imagine and desire? Which would be the scarier of the two - to belong or to be understood?
So when I was asked this question a few days ago, I didn't quite have the time to mull the response in my head and plan it perfectly before replying but I did immediately freeze and wonder the true intent of this question. It was odd timing and there was a certain urgency in the person's tone that took me by surprise. If there was a quiet interested edge to the tone I would have perhaps relaxed my shoulders and opened up a little bit but there wasn't and I was reduced to a stammer and a quick attempt at salvaging myself from appearing either like a boring person who has no dreams or a naive child who knows nothing about reality.
I hate having to feel awkward or too concerned about appearances. I feel forced to do that around most people and society because I really don't feel comfortable with being too honest with everyone. The problem with this is that at the core of it all, I'm a really honest person so the constant push and pull makes the whole situation frustrating in a dramatic sort of way.
But if I were to be absolutely honest, as I would be around someone I connected with at multiple layers of our existence, I think I would still be forced to contemplate and stammer out a shoddy answer not because I'm scared to be honest but rather because I don't really know how to summarize my answer in a way that seems legible to someone else. Because the truth is that I have both beautiful larger-than-life dreams as well as an inclination these days to take each day as it comes. Literally, breathe each moment in the most full way I know because I'm realizing that the momentum required to allow one moment to smoothly flow into another is something that I must find, create, harness by myself rather than believe that it exists solely within the moments themselves. But I myself sometimes feel like such a volatile substance that finding the momentum all the time, every time is like a hit-and-miss sort of situation. So the most honest, most grounded, most real 'dream' I then have is to hope to make it through this moment on to the next and feel happy while doing all of that. The larger-than-life dreams operate too in some portion of my head but in the face of the small happy getting-by that I'm inclined to engage myself in now, they take a partial backseat.
The point though is that they exist together.
And this is why honesty is a slippery thing even with those who truly care about your heart.
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